Lana Swaps Her Dad for Two Goldfish
by Matthew Penn
Summary: What if you wanted your best friend's two goldfish so much you'd swap anything for them, even your own dad? What if your mom came home and found out what you'd done?


Lana Loud tried to find something to do. Her mother had to go to work at the dentist's office on that Saturday morning, and almost all of her siblings had plans of their own, which left baby Lily, her twin sister Lola, and their father. Lily was busy taking a nap, and Lola had given Lana the cold shoulder after the tomboy stuck mud down the back of her neck the other day. Lana didn't mind. She didn't want to play with her anyway.

Maybe her dad would like to play with her, Lana thought. She and her dad always had a great time whenever they were together, especially over activities like fixing Vanzilla or plumbing. She leaped like a frog from the front yard all the way to the living room and found her dad sitting in his favorite recliner, his face hidden behind the newspaper.

"Hey dad," said Lana. The old man was silent. He was as still as a statue made of stone. Lana called his name several more times before she tugged at his green sweater. Nothing. Lana slumped her shoulders, and instead of hopping like a frog earlier, she dragged herself to the front of the house where she sat herself on the steps. So much for dad playing with her. She thought about taking her pet frog Hops to the pond until she noticed someone coming down the sidewalk. Her first grade classmate Nathan was coming her way. She waved and called out to him, and Nathan came up the walkway.

Nathan was holding something that caught Lana's eye. A pair of brightly-colored fish were swimming in a bowl of crystal clear water.

"Aren't they neat?" asked Nathan. "Their names are Sawney and Beaney. I got them from my aunt."

They were pretty neat. Lana gazed at them as they swam circles around each other. Goldfish are really cool, she thought to herself. They might be one of the easiest pets to take care of. You only had to feed them and clean their bowl once in a while. They don't leave messes on the rugs and carpets, they don't bite your arm or scratch your leg, and they don't make noises in the middle of the night while everyone else is trying to sleep.

"I'll trade you," said Lana.

Nathan opened his mouth to say "No," but stopped himself. It's not everyday he got to visit his friend's house, and Lana seemed like the kind of kid who would have all sorts of interesting stuff. But he realized his mother will be very upset if she learned he traded his goldfish for something else. Nathan figured he'll just make up a story. They got stolen, he'd say. So Nathan took up Lana's offer.

The two of them went to Lola and Lana's bedroom. Lola was busy having a tea party with her stuffed animals when they came in, making her visibly angry.

"What are you doing here?" she yelled accusingly, particularly at Lana. "Can't you see I'm in the middle of something important? And no uninvited guests!"

Lana ignored her twin. Nathan smiled and waved nervously at Lola, out of fear that she may turn into a pink rage monster (at least that was what Lana had told him). Lana showed Nathan a box with a collection of teeth from different animals. She told him she wrestled the animals for them, but really they came from different trips to the Natural History Museum and the aquarium. Her collection included a shark tooth, a bear tooth, tiger tooth, lion tooth, a wolf, and an alligator. Nathan wasn't interested.

"How about this?" she asked, and showed him El Diablo's old snake skin. Nathan shook his head.

As the attempt to trade continued Lola grew annoyed. There is a time and place for trade and commerce, but not during a tea party she spent all week trying to organize. Lola stood up from her small table to scold her twin sister until Lana had done the unthinkable.

She swiped Lola's tiara from her golden head of hair. "How about this?" she said to Nathan. Lola screamed at Lana to return the tiara to her head, and not wanting a fight to happen he quickly shook his head. Lola snatched the tiara from Lana's (dirty) hands. "Great! Now it has to be sterilized," she whined.

"Do you have any stuff to trade?" asked Nathan. "Something cool?"

Lana pretty much showed everything she owned. That was when she had another brilliant idea. She may not have anything Nathan will like, but her siblings probably do. She told Nathan to follow her out of the room. Unfortunately, Lola wasn't far behind. "Come back here!" she yelled at Lana. "You didn't apologize for ruining my tea party stealing my beloved tiara!"

Once again Lana ignored her. First they went into Lori and Leni's room. Lana showed showed Nathan all the gifts Lori's boyfriend had given her, but Nathan passed.

Then she presented Leni's collection of boots and shoes, but Nathan said they were not his style.

Maybe he'd swap the goldfish for Luna's guitar or Luan's puppet Mr. Coconuts. Nathan didn't know how to play the guitar and found the puppet too creepy.

Lana figured Nathan would like Lynn's lucky jersey, but it smelled awful.

How about Lucy's sculpture of Edwin from Vampires of Melancholia? Nathan didn't like that show very much.

Surely he'd want Lincoln's Ace Savvy comic book collection, but Spider-Man is Nathan's favorite superhero.

Lisa's science experiments? Nathan thought science was boring.

Lily's pacifier? "Nah," answered Nathan.

"You're really bad at this," said Lola.

"Isn't there anything you'll trade the goldfish for?" Lana asked Nathan.

"Nope, unless you can find something interesting."

They went downstairs. Lana never knew how difficult it was to please Nathan. Still, she hadn't given up. Those were some nice-looking goldfish. She liked the way they swam around, opening their mouths to let tiny bubbles out and then closing them, their color and eyes. The Loud twins and Nathan just happen to pass the living room, where Lynn Loud Sr. remained glued to his chair, when Lana thought of an idea.

It wasn't just any idea. It was one of those ideas that come when you're not thinking about anything at all, those brilliant thoughts people have once in a lifetime that can change the world forever, like the invention of the wheel or the discovery of fire and gravity. They get trapped in the back of one's mind, only to come out when you least expect it. The idea was so extraordinary she wondered why she hadn't thought about it before.

"I trade you my dad!" Lana blurted out.

Lola gasped. "You can't do that, he's our dad!"

"She's right," said Nathan. "And it's also not a fair trade. I have two goldfish and you only have one dad."

"Well. . . he's bigger than your goldfish!" Lana stretched out her little arms as wide as she could. "He's as big as one hundred goldfish!"

Nathan approached their father to inspect him closer. Lynn had not noticed they were talking about him. He wasn't aware that he might be swapped for two goldfish. Just as Lynn paid no attention to the deal that was in progress, nobody paid attention to Lola's protests about swapping her father.

"Can he swim?" Nathan asked.

"Better than a goldfish, I can tell ya that," Lana answered.

"You big liar!" yelled Lola. "You dad is not a good swimmer. He never goes to the deep end when we're at the pool. For goodness sake, Lana, he still does doggy paddles!"

Nathan exchanged glances from Lana's dad to his two goldfish. He even looked at Lola for a moment, turning away after seeing her face turn red with anger. He gazed at the old man reading his newspaper like he was an art critic studying a sculpture.

"Deal," he finally said.

Lola watched with horror and disgust as her twin sister held the goldfish bowl in her arms and seeing Nathan pull her father away from his chair and out the door. He hadn't looked away from his newspaper all that time. It was incredible.

Lana placed the goldfish bowl on the center of the rug and watched them swim around for a while. A smile grew on her face. This probably might have been the best trade she made in her life.

"Out of all the stupid things you've done, you do this! Why?" said Lola.

"I had to! I mean… look at them!" said Lana, pointing at the goldfish like she'd just discovered the Holy Grail. "Aren't they the coolest? They're the best pets in the world!"

"I'm telling! You're gonna get into big trouble when mom comes home," said Lola matter-of-factly.

"We'll see about that."

The little girls heard Vanzilla pull into the driveway. Lola rushed toward the door to inform their mother of what has happened, only to be tackled to the floor by Lana. The girls struggled, grunted and gritted their teeth. Hair had been pulled, fingernails left scratch marks, blows and hooks were delivered. Lola tried to push Lana off of her while Lana tried to pin her down. One minute of fighting passed with the tomboy overpowering the princess. Lana grabbed some rope and tied her, making Lola completely immobile. Just to be safe she placed duct tape over her mouth.

"I'm home," Rita Loud called out. "Anybody here?"

"Hi mom!" Lana greeted innocently.

Rita looked around the house, expecting all her children to be running around wreaking havoc, however she was surprised to find it empty and quiet than usual. Even Lily was silent; she must be happily asleep, Rita thought. Now she wonders what Lynn was up to all day; probably savoring every rare moment of silence in the house. She went upstairs to retrieve Lily, then called out to her husband. No reply. Rita checked the closet, the garage, the basement, even the backyard. "Where is he?" she said to herself. Why would he leave the house with their three young daughters all alone? It wasn't like him.

Rita pulled out her cellphone to ask Lori if he was with her, then Lana tugged at her shirt. "Mom, do you want to see my goldfish?" asked Lana. She took her mother by the hand and pulled her into the living room where the goldfish bowl was, on top of the small table.

Rita looked at them, and was going to ask Lana where she got them from when she noticed a rope-bound Lola crawling on the floor like an inchworm, with duct tape covering her mouth. _"Mumf, mumf, mumf,"_ said Lola.

"Lana, I thought I told you to not play rodeo with your siblings," said Rita. "Especially Lola."

"She's fine. Anyway, what do you think of my goldfish?"

"They're nice, honey, but I need to know where your father is. Where did he run off to and why did he leave you three here?" She sounded very worried.

"_Mumf, mumf, mumf!" _Lola said again.

Rita removed the duct tape from Lola's mouth. Before she asked about their father's whereabouts Lola immediately blurted out "Lana swapped dad with her friend for those two goldfish!"

Rita turned to Lana, giving her a stern and disappointed look. Lana smiled nervously, but it was wiped from her face when her mother towered over her. She felt like a small insect ready to be squash.

"Young lady, is this true?" asked Rita.

". . . Yes," said Lana. "But they are really nice goldfish, and everyone knows goldfish are the best pets in the world! I mean. . . look at them!"

"I know, I saw them. I agree goldfish are nice, but that's never an excuse to trade a human being, especially if that human being happens to be your only father." Rita untied Lola, picked up the goldfish bowl and gave it to Lana. "We'll talk about your punishment later, but right now I want you to go to whoever you made that ridiculous swap and get your father back, this instant!"

"Serves you right!" said Lola.

"And you can go with her," added Rita.

Lola let out a breath of shocked air, gazing at her mouth in pure disgust. "Why do I have to go? She's the one who swapped our dad!"

"You could've stopped it. Now march, you two."

Lana and Lola were silent as they made the journey to Nathan's house. Lola was so upset that she didn't even take the convertible. She didn't want to make Lana's work easier. Or maybe she was so upset that their mother blamed her as well that she forgot about it. Lana expected her twin sister to yell at the top of her lungs of how much of a doofus she was. Lola didn't even look at her.

Lana watched the goldfish swim around the bowl with a sad look on her face. She was sad to see them go, but their mother was right. Lana was quite sure her dad will be very angry when they come to trade him back.

Nathan's house wasn't too far. Lana came to visit him on some occasions, but those time either Lori or their mom drove her there and back. It was just three corners and straight down from Franklin Avenue.

"Let's get this over with," Lola said sharply.

Lana rang the doorbell. Nathan's mother answered.

"Is Nathan home? I'm here to return his goldfish," said Lana.

Nathan's mother stared at the goldfish bowl, astonished of how this little girl got her hands on it. "Those goldfish were a gift from his aunt," she said. She shook her head. "I'll get Nathan, but we're going to have a long talk about this."

She called her son down. Nathan appeared before the twins like nothing had happened today.

"My mom said I had to return the goldfish," said Lana. "Can we have our dad back, please?"

"Well. . . yes and no," answered Nathan.

"What do you mean yes and no? What happened to our daddy!" yelled Lola.

A moment later a pair of moon boots appeared in his hands. "I swapped you dad for these," he explained. Lana and Lola watched in horror as he strapped on his feet and bounced several inches in the air.

"Why did you swap my dad?" asked Lana.

"Well, he wasn't very excited," said Nathan. "All he did was read the paper. And the pool is closed, so I couldn't take him swimming."

Lola grabbed Nathan's shirt collar and him close. "Who did you swap our dad with?" she inquired through gritted teeth. She demanded to know.

"If I tell you, will promise not to hit me?" asked Nathan.

"I make no promises."

Lola let him go anyway, and Nathan explained he swapped with a girl named Kamala. He gave them the moon boots and told them where to go.

On the way to Kamala's house Lana tried on the moon boots. They were very bouncy, and they felt surprisingly soft on her feet, like leaping on a cloud. If they didn't have to get their dad back, Lana would have wanted to keep these. She bounced all the way to Kamala's house. This must be what it feels like to be Hops, Lana thought.

Lana rang the doorbell, and a girl in a hijab answered. "I got your moon boots from Nathan," said Lana. "He said you have our dad. Can we have him back please?"

"Wait a second," said Kamala, then she stepped away from the door.

Lana and Lola gave each other worried looks. They had no idea what is going to happen. A few moments after some anxious waiting, Kamala returned holding a frightening gorilla mask.

"Oh no!" the twins cried.

"I swapped your dad with Benjamin. This gorilla mask belongs to him. I wanted it because it reminded me of King Kong," explained Kamala.

She gave the gorilla mask to the twins and told them where Benjamin's house is. It was across town, which meant it was going to be a very long walk. Now Lola wish she brought her convertible along. "When we get home I'm telling everyone this was all your fault!" said Lola.

During the long walk Lana tried on the gorilla mask. She had to admit it was a very good mask. If she didn't have to trade it back, she'd wear it for Halloween. With the mask on, she bent and crouched like an actual gorilla, walking with her knuckles on the ground. Lola watched helplessly as her twin jumped and screeched like a crazy person.

"Lana, stop it! You're embarrassing me!"

"I'm just having fun."

"Honestly, the gorilla mask suits you, because you're a big dumb animal!"

Lana screeched and roared like an ape and jumped on her sister. Pinning her to the ground she pulled at her hair and smacked repeatedly. Lola, however, overpowered Lana and removed the mask from her face. "It's mine now," she said, then she put it on her face.

"Wow. . . you're even uglier with the mask on," Lana said, laughing.

Lola threw the mask at Lana. "Let's just return the stupid thing!" she screamed.

Finally they arrived at Benjamin's house. He lived in a very beautiful and big house. The lawn was the greenest shade of green the twins have ever seen. Lola admired the house and the other houses that surrounded it. She wouldn't mind living in a neighborhood like this one day. The twins walked up to the door and rang the bell. A tall butler with gray hair opened the door.

"Excuse me, can we speak to Benjamin?" asked Lana.

"And whom shall I say is calling?" said the butler.

"Lana and Lola Loud. We're here to get our dad," Lana said.

The butler let the girls in, and told them to wait in the living room. "And don't touch anything," he added. The twins sat themselves on a large red couch. It was the softest, and the most relaxing couch Lola ever sat on, much better than the one at home. She needed after a day full of walking. The entire house was so magnificent she wish she can stay here forever. Lola wonder what the owner looks like, or at least who Benjamin was.

Benjamin came down the big stairway to meet the twins. Lola had a closer look at him. He was a regular boy with auburn hair. Benjamin smiled at what was the gorilla mask in Lana's hand.

He figured they must have come a long way to his house, because he'd never seen them in his neighborhood before. Benjamin liked having visitors. He made the butler serve them glasses of cola with ice.

"A girl named Kamala said our dad is here," explained Lana. "Do you know where he is?"

"Oh. . ." was all Benjamin can say.

He stepped out of the house for a moment, around the other side. "Oh great! What now?" sighed Lola. Benjamin came back with a fat white rabbit with one black ear.

"This is Galveston," he said. "This is what I swapped your dad for."

Benjamin said he swapped with a girl named Sara. Lana traded the gorilla mask for the rabbit. Lola was about to cry. She wanted a few more minutes on the nice red couch before they were off again. "When will this day end?" she asked nobody.

Once again the long walk continued. Lana couldn't remember a time she walked so much in her life. She even wondered if they were still in Royal Woods, or if they are still in the State of Michigan. The more they walked, the more Lana realized swapping her dad for goldfish was the most terrible idea she ever had. What if they never find him? He could be in another state, or in another country. And her mom is going to ground her for a very long time.

Meanwhile, Lola was holding Galveston. It was a large rabbit, but it was cute at the same time. Galveston wriggled its nose, which Lola thought was the most adorable thing in the world. She tried to wriggle her own nose, but she couldn't do it like the fat rabbit. If they didn't have to trade it back for their father Lola would love to keep Galveston as a new pet for the Loud House.

They spotted a tall windmill in the distance. Benjamin said Sara lives there along with her family.

"Who lives in a windmill?" asked Lola.

"Sara does, apparently?" Lana said.

Lola took one last look at Galveston before they knocked on the door. She was sad to see him go, but it swap had to be done. A young girl answered the door.

"Galveston!" she squealed with joy.

The rest of Sara's family - her mother and father, her two brothers, her grandparents, her aunt and uncle, her cousins, and the Queen of Pangea - gathered around the fat white bunny. They were all happy to see him, and welcomed Galveston home with open arms and gave him lettuce to eat.

"Thank you for bringing Galveston back," Sara said to the twins. "We missed him so much."

She told Lana and Lola to follow her out back to the garden. There was a little rabbit hutch with chicken wire surrounding it. Lana and Lola couldn't believe their eyes. Their father sat in the middle of the grass, his face still hidden behind the newspaper. Did he even noticed he had been swapped constantly all day?

"Come on, dad! It's time to come home," Lana called out.

She opened the gate in the chicken wire, and he crawled through on his hands and knees.

"He's not a very good rabbit," said Sara.

"You're right about that," said Lana. "But he's a very good dad."

Sara and her family gave the Louds a stack of carrots as parting gifts before the left the windmill, and thanked them once again for returning Galveston.

"Thank goodness it's over!" said Lola. "I hope you never do anything this stupid ever again!"

"At least I got dad back! All you did was whine and moan all day! Isn't that right, dad?" asked Lana.

". . . Did someone say something?" asked Lynn.

Those were the first words he'd said since this morning.

It was nearly sundown when the twins returned home with their father. They found that Rita wasn't the only one waiting for Lynn Sr. to come home, but their other siblings as well. The twins (but mostly Lana) received a fair amount of scolding from their mother for swapping for father for something as stupid as goldfish. She also chastised her husband for foolishly allowing himself to be swapped and passed around by a bunch of children. Lynn Sr. shrugged his shoulders. He didn't have a good enough answer.

Lynn Sr. took a bath to wash since he'd been lying on the grass for who knows how long, and used the carrots to make carrot soup.

After dinner, and after the siblings went their separate ways, Rita told off Lana some more. She also told off Lynn, telling him he needs to set a better example for their children.

That day forth, Lana promised never swap her dad for anything ever again.

But she never promised anything about swapping Lola. . .


End file.
